


Nemesis

by SickofEveryone



Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M, HI SIENNA, dont judge me b
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-11
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-06-01 15:01:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6524965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SickofEveryone/pseuds/SickofEveryone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Logan comes back home after his last year of college and meets Millie, who tells him that she's Louise's nemesis. But there's no way that can be true, because he is. And he's going to prove it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Psychotic Women

Logan didn’t know what he was looking forward to less. Returning home to his mother, who would nitpick everything he did while he was back, or run into Louise, who slapped him the last time they saw each other. Actually, scratch that. He knew exactly which psychotic woman in his life he dreaded more. While in college, Logan got a tattoo on his forearm that he just couldn’t wait to show his mom. She was going to freak. He couldn’t wait. “Congratulations, Louise,” he thought. “I want to see you less that my own mother. That’s an achievement.”

The bus from the airport to his hometown took at least an hour and a half, and by the time Logan got home he was bored as hell. He was ready to start some drama at home, and his mother did not disappoint. “Logan, you’re late. Do you know how worried I was? And how irresponsible you’re being? I swear to god-”

“I missed you too, mom” he mumbled. “It’s not like traffic is a thing that exists. Or my flight got delayed. No, it’s definitely me trying purposely to agitate you. What ever did you do to deserve such an awful son? A rotten apple. A bad egg.”

“You’ve only been home for two minutes, and you’re already doing your best to drive me insane!” She cried, in that oh-so accusatory voice of hers.

“No, I’ve only been home for two minutes, and you’re already trying to blame everything on me! And it’s a wonder I didn’t come home for Thanksgiving!” He yelled back at her. He admitted to himself that he was being a little harsh, but it’s not like he was lying, per se. He had just made it sound like he hadn’t missed his mom at all while he was at college, which wasn’t necessarily true. 

“Logan!” His mom’s voice was a combination of outrage and heartbreak that he was not willing to deal with.

“I-I’m sorry. I’ll just go. I’ll be back for dinner, I guess,” he muttered, and then turned out the door. “Sorry.”

Logan could have gone to see anybody in the world right then. His friends were all back already, and he was sure they’d be happy to see them. But he didn’t really feel like it. They were too comfortable, and he knew he’d have a good time with them. Logan didn’t want a good time. He wanted trouble. And he knew exactly where he was going to find it. Louise. He headed straight for Bob’s Burgers. 

When he opened the door, he heard the familiar tinkling of bells and smelled grease. He sneered. Logan then sauntered up to the counter, where Louise’s dad, Bob, was talking to the two regulars. Logan was pretty sure he remembered them from his brief stint at here years ago.

“Hey, Bob. Linda.” He nodded at them respectively. “I think I’ll have a-” Logan turned around to the sound of tinkling bells and Louise’s voice. 

“Millie! Millie. Millie, Millie, Millie. Get the idea that after nine whole years, nine of them, I still don’t want to be your best friend! Or frenemy or whatever it is. And I certainly still don’t want to squish myself into the same pair of overalls as you at the same time, despite how fun you promise it’ll be. It will not. Be. fun.” 

“Hey, Louise.” Said Logan. She was being followed closely behind by a blonde with puffy hair and a crazy stare in her eyes. Louise looked pretty much the same as she did last time he saw her, right before Logan left for college this year. She still covered her pigtails with the iconic pink bunny hat (it had been replaced a few times, but the original was hung up proudly on her wall. Her dress was the typical shade of lime green, and she wore doc Martens which were somehow the exact same shade of pink as her hat. Her eyes widened when she saw him.

“Oh, no. No, no no. I can only handle one crazy at a time, so one of you has got to get out.” Logan assumed Louise was referring to the blonde girl. Louise shut her eyes. “Hmm, let me see... Gah, I don’t know which one of you I want to be around less. Fight for it,” she said, and waved her hand dismissively. Logan chuckled, and then looked up to see the blonde girl staring him down. Her face was uncomfortably close to his, and her eyes were wide.

“Hi!”

“Gah!” Logan shouted. Louise snorted.

“I’m Millie! Louise’s best friend. F o r e v e r. Well, I mean not really best friends. The truth is, we’re actually enemies. Arch-enemies. Louise doesn’t hate anybody more than me. A n y b o d y. She told me. She said ‘Millie, nobody annoys me more than you’. It was so sweet. I mean, I guess hate and annoy aren’t synonyms, but hate is more romantic, don’t you think? But we also secretly love each other. It’s complicated. But it looks like I’m going to have to fight you for her now. It’s nice to meet you, but Louise is mine.”

“What?!?!” Logan shrieked, as Millie started to chase him around the diner. Louise stood up on the counter, safely away from the chaos, and started cackling. She was enjoying this, Logan could tell. He had half a mind to rid her of that pleasure, to just leave so that Louise could suffer with Millie, but something about what Millie said got on his nerves. She didn’t annoy Louise more than anybody else, he did. That was his job, and nobody else’s. And Logan was suddenly desperate to prove it. “H-hey Millie! If you win--ouch!--then Louise hates me more. That’s how this works, right?” Louise shrugged. “So, if you reaaaallly want to be her nemesis--oof!--then you leave, and that solves that.” Millie paused, fists raised in the air.

“...Okay!” She said, and then skipped out of the store.

“Great, thanks for getting rid of her, Logan,” Louise said, stepping off the counter. “Now I only have one person to get rid of. You. Buh-bye.” Logan just began to notice the rest of the restaurant. Customers were staring at him in horror, Bob was trying to calm them down, and Linda had been trying in vain to get Louise down. 

“What? No! I won the rest of the afternoon with you, fair and square.”

“No!”

“Yeah!”

“Uh-uh!”

“Uh-huh!”

“No. No way. Get out.”

“No, you said that one of us had to get out. That was Millie. So I’m not leaving.”

“Aren’t you in college? Isn’t it a little creepy to be dedicating your time solely to annoying an 18 year old? That’s a little juvenile of you there, Logan.”

“Yeah, says the girl who still wears bunny ears. Maybe I should take those again--” a pocket knife clicked.

“I’d like to see you try,” Louise threatened, brandishing it.

“Wait, what? Your dress doesn’t even have pockets. Where did you get that from?” She winked at him. 

Then, she closed it and tucked it in her boot. Oh. "Anyway, this has been a nice chat, good to catch up ol’ pal. Old chum. Really, really great. Get Out.” And with that, she shoved him out the door, which was admittedly impressive because she was so much smaller than him. Logan was left on the sidewalk to kick at rocks, and he thought about what just happened. Something about that Millie girl had rubbed him the wrong way. Beyond the fact that she had literally tried to fight him. She wasn’t Louise’s nemesis. He was. And he’d be damned if he was going to let some blonde chick take that title from him.


	2. Story Snatching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> @kinkshamer you owe me money now

“Hi, Louise!”

“Hi, fartface.” Louise looked up from the stack of paper in front of her to see Logan sliding into the seat in the booth across from her. 

“Ha! Last time you called me that, you were nine.”

“What? I can’t hear you. All I hear is farts.” Logan tried to say more--something in the way of a retort--but Louise kept blowing raspberries at him. “pbbbt!--I can’t hear you--pbbt”.

“Louise. Louise. Please. Louise. Louise. Stop. Louise.” She stopped for a moment. “What are you” --pbbbt!-- “What are you doing?”

“None of your business.”

“Are you sure? Cause I think I see a sign that says ‘Logan’s business’ right there.”

“What? I don’t see anything that says that.”

“Yeah it does. Right there. See? Right there.” Logan pointed at the top paper in the stack, and snatched it out of her hands. “Let’s see... ‘Dark Intentions’? What’s this?”

“Nothing!” Louise shrieked, tearing the papers away from him. She held them with her arms crossed around her chest. “Dark intentions. Like what I’m harboring towards you. Murder-y dark intentions. So if you don’t scram, I’ll murder you. And it'll be violent.”

Logan smirked at her. “Is that...is that a novel?", he asked, ignoring her threats. "You’re writing a novel. Oh my God, I have to read this. Give it to me.”

“Hmm..Let me think about it...No. Get out of here, Logan, I’m working.” As if to prove a point, Louise uncapped the red pen she left on the table between them.

“Hmm... Let me think about it...No.” Logan laughed. “Now come on, give it to me.” He lunged across the table, and got his fingers around the edges of one of the papers. He gripped it and pulled. The paper slid neatly out of the rest of the stack. Louise automatically reached towards it, then suddenly drew back in an effort to protect the rest of the papers in the stack.

“Give it back, Logan,” she warned darkly. She tried to murder him with nothing but her gaze and her voice, and it was almost working.

“No, no, no. My mom tells me I don’t read enough. But I have a book to read right here.”

“Awww, poor baby still only does what mommy tells him. You want to be a real rebel, hot stuff? Give me back my book.”

“I don’t even have your book. Just a page. Here, let me read it." Logan cleared his throat, and began to read aloud in a melodramatic tone. "‘Lila pointed the gun at Monroe. In that moment, he knew he was a dead man.’” Louise grimaced. Good. Logan was making her squirm. “‘He looked into her eyes for something, anything to give him the hope that the sexy Lila Lebeaux wouldn’t pull the trigger. He was met with nothing but a gaze as cold and hard as the bullet that struck him between the-’” Logan looked up. Louise was getting up from the table, paying no heed to him. She wasn't even looking at him. He was vaguely insulted. 

“Millie!” Louise called. “Don't even start. Just Go. Get out. Please. For the love of God, get out.” Millie? Now Logan was definitely insulted. He was doing an amazing job at annoying Louise--reading her book out loud to her in a mockingly dramatic tone--and all Millie had to do was show up to be more annoying? Louise crossed the restaurant to his competition, turning her around and pushing her out the door.

Logan followed, manuscript page in hand. He read louder, trying to get Louise’s attention. “‘He was met with nothing but a gaze as cold and hard as the bullet that struck him between the eyes.’” Logan looked up. “Pay attention to me!” he complained, in the way that a toddler throws a fit. Logan looked around and finally discovered what stole Louise’s focus from him. Millie had taken Louise’s hat and was wearing it herself. 

“Look, Louise, now I’m just like you! We’re matching! Twinsies! BFFs forever! They'll call us the bunny crew! The bunbuns! The Pink-Eared Ladies!” Louise covered her head with her arms and shrieked at Millie to return the bunny ears. Millie looked unfazed and continued to rattle off team names. 

Logan was just as furious as Louise, if not more. “What?! Louise, that’s my thing. Come on,” he whined. She didn’t even turn to look at him. He sulked. Then, amid the chaos, Logan noticed something--Louise dropped her manuscript, and the papers spread wildly across the floor. He walked over and gathered them all unbeknownst to Louise, who was frantically trying to attack Millie with no arms. Logan chuckled to himself and left the restaurant. He was going to show Louise just how terrible he could be to her, and he finally had the means to do it.


End file.
